The 2nd Transition

I want to lose weight but I’m scared

I watched the documentary UnSuperSize Me about a lady who lost 200 points in about a year. I have about 170 pounds to lose to get back where I was when I first went full time. 142 pounds.

I knew it was going to happen like all such documentaries and I did. I busted crying rivers at the end of the movie.

Over the last year it has gotten hard to tie my shoes and even put clothes on. I love nature but have been completely exhausted hiking. It is a major struggle to put on seatbelts and last few months going out to eat and sitting in booths have been very uncomfortable.

I know I need to change my eating habits, I love carbs and meat.

I’ve lost weight before but this time it is hard. I’m carrying lots of emotional “weight”  as well. I think in part my body holds on to fat like my mind holds on to emotions and memories.

Being trans, I’m afraid of being looked at with desire because then I could be assaulted or even killed when they find out I’m trans. Being larger means I’m less likely to be in such a situation. Also I love to travel, I feel safer being larger and alone with my camera.

Something must give soon, it is going to kill me. I have to let go emotionally of my past hurts, regrets and there are some big regrets and maybe it will take losing weight for it to happen.

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Sadness is a theme

I’ve been introspecting on life lately. I guess the emotion that sums it all up is sadness.

I am a people pleaser to a fault. I care deeply that I am liked. Recently had a client tell me that she will not use my company because she didn’t get her money’s worth. Granted her acer laptop was very slow, known of the usb ports worked so I couldn’t back up her images easily. Gave her a solution and she didn’t want to do it. I even gave them 45 minutes for free but to know two people were disappointment in me when I did nothing but be honest and tell they needed a new non-acer computer. Even though in my head I know they are unreasonable my heart carried that weight all week causing me to be angry at times.

My life has a theme of rejection, all my childhood I was made fun of and rejected, had a brief run in with popularity last year of high school and a few after that but then transitioning from male to female brought forth the fastest rejection rate I ever experienced. Good friends, good people I still 10 years later think about. Facebook is a horrible thing, watching how few likes and comments I get compared to others plus  I facebook stalk people that delete my friend request. A good amount have blocked me years ago but for those that haven’t blocked me I see they have kids, married and I’m happy for them but then wonder if I ever cross their mind. What do they think about me? Probably not at all and if they do, maybe not good, there was a reason they deleted the friend request. All my former friends, none of which I deleted weigh on me, with every client that doesn’t like me no matter how much I try, it is all piled together.

I sometimes wish I didn’t transition, yes I would have been miserable but I would have a family again and my closest friends. I miss them all very deeply. Being honest with myself and others only brought my great pain that even 10 years later I feel. I failed many people when I transitioned, I didn’t fail myself but here I am on a Friday night alone. No family, no very close relationships. Sure I can adopt children but would I make a good parent? I doubt many times if I even make a good friend.I don’t regret transition for myself, it was the best decision ever but only regret for the sense of what was lost to gain myself. Couldn’t I have gained myself and a richer relationship with those around me, why did have to be one or the other?

So many walls to guard my fragile heart and yet rejection gets me every time.

Groundhog life

An encounter with my mom always leaves me down in the dumps for a few days. She is one of the few people in life that can suck my life source energy out of me leaving me exhausted. If you ever saw the movie Groundhog Day, each day repeats itself and eventually after being depressed he makes life better and the curse is broken. My day is more like a life.

My mom has a shrine to my old life, photos and other items from my past that she holds on too. Every time we met she is pleasant at first but always goes into the past and brings up my failures, the times I regret. The reason I’m disowned by family is twisted into how I wanted to hurt my family. The never ending is I went to my 10 year class reunion. My reasons is this I’m a completely different person now, I was beat up, made fun off, the ghost of my school years haunted my present life as I thought about those years in school as being terrifying. This was a chance for the confident person no one knew to be introduced. I use to be quiet and passive but now I’m not. It was a healthy way to stand up to my past and let the past be concluded in a way. The reunion went great, I brought some Nashville friends with me and had a wonderful time, it was good for the soul.

News got around like fire that I was there in the small country town. See in a quick nut shell I’m trans, I went to school as a boy. I showed up as a girl, which most people knew already but it was a chance for them to meet the new and improved me. My sisters got wind that I showed up. Many people were asking about their brother who is now their sister. They felt I came up 6.5 hours to hurt them. My mom called me screaming at me about how the youngest sister was crying and embarrassed.

Since my sisters and my immediate family save for my mom won’t talk to me, I was forced to move on with life. To make choices that would affect them wasn’t on my mind because I had to block them out. Their silence was and still is very painful to me. I want a relationship with them. I want to be a part of the family but having a silent treatment for years led me to just go about my life and do what I feel is best.

I feel bad they have been inflected with embarrassment due to nosey people, it is a very small town so word gets around. I wish I could make things right.  I just don’t know if there is any hope left. Hope is a powerful word for me, I’ve had held hope for 8 years I would have a photo of my family and I smiling at a holiday or some event. Sounds so simple yet incomprehensible to the reality of the family.

My mom is the single most powerful source of negativity in my life, always has been. I use to be so negative that some friends didn’t want to be around me. It took moving to 360 + miles away and years of soul searching to free myself from that. Of course to my mom and others in the family I lived in fantasy land but I felt I was realistic but with a optimistic lens on.

When I’m back in the environment of hearing all the negative stuff in life rehashed, it feels like my soul is being destroyed. Anxiety comes back, feeling like I’m a storm ruining everyones day. It doesn’t matter how many hours we spend discussing stuff, each time it is like she never heard it before. 8 years of repeating myself has my patience thin. I feel angry, depressed and have thoughts of suicide creep back into my life. For a few days sometimes weeks after enduring a mom encounter I question if my life has value to others. If the cost of transition was worth it. If any of my friends now days are true friends or they secretly want something out of me.

I’m a different person when she is around, I’m quiet and I hold things in like I did growing up. I blamed myself for everything and she does a great job of reminding me of things I can blame myself for. When she is in the hours of “talking” or bashing I hear the words very deeply waiting to hear something positive but in the silence an anger rages. An happiness when I think of her death and wonder why good people die young and why is my mom is still alive.

I see and know people who’s parents are their heros, they can go to their parents with anything. I deeply desire that, maybe in a unhealthy way I feel like maybe the next time despite it being the 84th time things could change. There could be break throughs. Maybe that one time I can feel like I’m loved and my blood family really is my family that I can be proud off.  I have people tell me your parents must be so proud to have daughter as smart, talented and friendly as you. Well sometimes I get all three, sometimes it just one but regardless those are positive attributes they contribute to me. Nothing could be farther from reality. My mom who is the only speaking member of my immediate family calls me selfish, cruel. She doesn’t see me as successful but instead a destroyer of what she loved. Now she doesn’t want to find good in the new improved me but that means the person she wants me to me was flawed.

I guess this is what my life is like, never making a breakthrough, always the same pain. It is easy to say just avoid your mom and that is what I do but my heart desires a relationship with family. A child always longs for the approval for the parents. What is worst, cutting of ties or holding on to a thread of hope that maybe some day my family and I can have peace and a future together. Until then negative people, news, situations stress me out, I have a defensive reaction to negative comments. I don’t know what to do sometimes with this. I’ve read books and things are good but life has a way of repeating itself. It is like I live in a groundhog life.

Afraid of being desired – Afraid of being loved

All around I see and feel the pressure to be skinny aka “hot” but I’ve been there, I use to get a lot of attention, cat calls, cars honking, guys asking for my phone number and that all scared me. I’ve gained a lot of weight over the years. In some cases it is in the back of my mind if I’m less attractive I’m safe. See I love to travel and my occupation leads me to new people all the time in their safe zones. I’m not safe. For most girls they like some attention, I just want to be left alone but what leads me to want that?

When you grow up like I did, I very rarely felt loved, maybe once every few years I would have this tingling feeling almost like a hot flash actually and I would yawn as if my soul was at peace and I could rest. Strange physical reaction to the emotional feeling of being loved but it is how my body reacted. Those that caused this rare occurrence now want nothing to do with me. AKA my parents have for the most part disowned me.

I have loved two people in my life and both ended in great heart ache, one told me they never loved me but didn’t want to hurt me so they went through the motions. To know that someone lied to me in actions of affection has me scared of being loved. How can I know that love is real? Is all love temporary for it has always been temporary for me. Now the love I feel for these two people hasn’t gone away, it has faded but there is a great amount of love still there.

Does what happen to someone in the past become the future? I don’t think so but I also know the experiences I’ve had has shaped my life in good and bad ways. I have built emotional walls to protect my sensitive personalities and love has thus far only destroyed the walls and plundered the village that is my soul leaving only ruins.

Why am I afraid of being loved? Maybe because it is such a rare feeling I don’t know what to do with it. It makes me uncomfortable. It makes me anxious. A feeling that should be common place in society yet twists my inside into knots.

Why am I afraid of being desired? Maybe because I don’t feel I have anything to give. Maybe I feel unworthy. Maybe I want to be desired by someone I desire and not some random person in public. Maybe I’m not use to being desired. Being ignored, made fun of and forgotten has been the general theme of life.