An encounter with my mom always leaves me down in the dumps for a few days. She is one of the few people in life that can suck my life source energy out of me leaving me exhausted. If you ever saw the movie Groundhog Day, each day repeats itself and eventually after being depressed he makes life better and the curse is broken. My day is more like a life.
My mom has a shrine to my old life, photos and other items from my past that she holds on too. Every time we met she is pleasant at first but always goes into the past and brings up my failures, the times I regret. The reason I’m disowned by family is twisted into how I wanted to hurt my family. The never ending is I went to my 10 year class reunion. My reasons is this I’m a completely different person now, I was beat up, made fun off, the ghost of my school years haunted my present life as I thought about those years in school as being terrifying. This was a chance for the confident person no one knew to be introduced. I use to be quiet and passive but now I’m not. It was a healthy way to stand up to my past and let the past be concluded in a way. The reunion went great, I brought some Nashville friends with me and had a wonderful time, it was good for the soul.
News got around like fire that I was there in the small country town. See in a quick nut shell I’m trans, I went to school as a boy. I showed up as a girl, which most people knew already but it was a chance for them to meet the new and improved me. My sisters got wind that I showed up. Many people were asking about their brother who is now their sister. They felt I came up 6.5 hours to hurt them. My mom called me screaming at me about how the youngest sister was crying and embarrassed.
Since my sisters and my immediate family save for my mom won’t talk to me, I was forced to move on with life. To make choices that would affect them wasn’t on my mind because I had to block them out. Their silence was and still is very painful to me. I want a relationship with them. I want to be a part of the family but having a silent treatment for years led me to just go about my life and do what I feel is best.
I feel bad they have been inflected with embarrassment due to nosey people, it is a very small town so word gets around. I wish I could make things right. I just don’t know if there is any hope left. Hope is a powerful word for me, I’ve had held hope for 8 years I would have a photo of my family and I smiling at a holiday or some event. Sounds so simple yet incomprehensible to the reality of the family.
My mom is the single most powerful source of negativity in my life, always has been. I use to be so negative that some friends didn’t want to be around me. It took moving to 360 + miles away and years of soul searching to free myself from that. Of course to my mom and others in the family I lived in fantasy land but I felt I was realistic but with a optimistic lens on.
When I’m back in the environment of hearing all the negative stuff in life rehashed, it feels like my soul is being destroyed. Anxiety comes back, feeling like I’m a storm ruining everyones day. It doesn’t matter how many hours we spend discussing stuff, each time it is like she never heard it before. 8 years of repeating myself has my patience thin. I feel angry, depressed and have thoughts of suicide creep back into my life. For a few days sometimes weeks after enduring a mom encounter I question if my life has value to others. If the cost of transition was worth it. If any of my friends now days are true friends or they secretly want something out of me.
I’m a different person when she is around, I’m quiet and I hold things in like I did growing up. I blamed myself for everything and she does a great job of reminding me of things I can blame myself for. When she is in the hours of “talking” or bashing I hear the words very deeply waiting to hear something positive but in the silence an anger rages. An happiness when I think of her death and wonder why good people die young and why is my mom is still alive.
I see and know people who’s parents are their heros, they can go to their parents with anything. I deeply desire that, maybe in a unhealthy way I feel like maybe the next time despite it being the 84th time things could change. There could be break throughs. Maybe that one time I can feel like I’m loved and my blood family really is my family that I can be proud off. I have people tell me your parents must be so proud to have daughter as smart, talented and friendly as you. Well sometimes I get all three, sometimes it just one but regardless those are positive attributes they contribute to me. Nothing could be farther from reality. My mom who is the only speaking member of my immediate family calls me selfish, cruel. She doesn’t see me as successful but instead a destroyer of what she loved. Now she doesn’t want to find good in the new improved me but that means the person she wants me to me was flawed.
I guess this is what my life is like, never making a breakthrough, always the same pain. It is easy to say just avoid your mom and that is what I do but my heart desires a relationship with family. A child always longs for the approval for the parents. What is worst, cutting of ties or holding on to a thread of hope that maybe some day my family and I can have peace and a future together. Until then negative people, news, situations stress me out, I have a defensive reaction to negative comments. I don’t know what to do sometimes with this. I’ve read books and things are good but life has a way of repeating itself. It is like I live in a groundhog life.